You may win... but I wasn't fighting that war you created in your mind.

I could do so many things. I could really want to play this war you imagined but then what? We all would lose. And I am not here to lose.

I still looking for myself... my whole life will be this way and... today what I am is this, tomorrow I could change my mind. But my heart will always ask the same, my mind will think that line alike another previous and the following... I am always here, I will be always me. And THAT IS MY QUEST for life. Losing oneself, finding it again in a piece of past thet connects my present and throw me to the future, jumping some steps that I couldn't see at a time and seemed everything going so fast now, but it is not going that fast. I am now only viewing "all my life in a second" like I am dying... when I am actually living again, and it feels ALL SO GOOD!

Look. You may not want me like I am, but the me you dreamed about, and that me that was eager for approval, eager for being loved, eager for some other place... eager for being not what she was because she thought that was too much for her. And now, look at me! I FEEL ALIVE, and it is not only me thinking  I am living... who saw who see.

May you disapprove some of my companies without disapproving myself? I think no. Its not like you need to love all my moves, but if you do really love me, you won't take that as a challenge, as that war you are planning. Just watch and trust. And then you can be part of this too, or we are losing time again.

Enough! I just wrote too much for one sleepless night. Thinking about. And please, please, don't you try to understand it my misunderstanding it all.


Note: Listen to Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence (Dream Theater), the 2nd disc.

Hoje uma música e só.

Season of change life feels so strange
Look into my eyes do you see the truth
Im lost and alone feelings unknown
Come to me stronger than before

On winds of time my soul will fly
The angels are knocking at my door
Oh now I need to be free
From all this hatred I feel inside

Let it be my dreams
Let it be my thoughs
All those things in my heart
One too many days
One too many years
I wasted for nothing
I never realized
The truth is inside
Of every man for all to see
Listen to me now
Im so close to you
Never felt like this before

The carousel is spinning fast
better enjoy while it lasts
Every moment is like gold
youll remember when youre old
And the meaning of this life
is to live and is to die
Make the best out of your dreams
theyre the world where you are free
All the sorrow and the pain
will be washed away by rain
An eternal joy will come
it can be found by everyone
Though the end is drawing near
Im not feeling any fear
I have found the truth inside
after all the tears Ive cried

Season of Change... 

I need you to talk to me

why the hell I have to mind about people who don't mind?

And I have been this way for all my life along. Can't remember when it comes and sorry know that it won't go out.

If you stop to think about nobody really cares. Even thinking about the line an old fellow said for solving that problems I would be solving not their but mines... when you live a long time, time enought to know that some problems can't be solved, but you still try to solving then. You still trying to carry the world on your back 'cause you think this is the right thing to do, but it is NOT, it's NEVER the right thing to though or to do o to say and you are always wrong.

There's a lot of things coming in and out of my mind this time and so fast i can't write it all.

. . .

And reading old writtings I just have nothing new to say. Those times in silence are just for trying to change something that can't be changed, the only thing/person who can be changed is myself and I am too afraid for this change. And I nedd a really BIG ONE change.

I've been smoking too much. Half of pack only this night that is just starting. And I cannot sleep even so tired how I do, I lay my head on the pillow and the htoughs running prevent me for sleep.